I had the unfortunate experience of dating someone last year who i suspect has BPD/NPD. It was the most bizarre and horrific dating experience I ever had and at the end of it, I decided to go to therapy. It’s finally getting better for me this year and I learned so much about myself but most importantly how I can prevent something like this from ever happening to me again.
Once you become sensitized to the signs of BPD, it's easier to recognize early in the relationship. A pwBPD will often reveal, right up front, characteristics of personality disorder.
It takes extraordinary interpersonal communication skills to navigate a relationship with a pwBPD -- the kind of skills that only a few trained professional therapists are usually able to practice.
Nonetheless, a good place to start is my article on 'Boundaries vs Ultimatums' here
One of the most powerful boundaries I had to discover for myself is that I no longer stay in conversations with people who tell me what I think, feel, or want. I am the sole arbiter of my thoughts, feelings, and desires. I had to learn that anyone trying to convince me that they understand my inner world better than I understand it myself is trying to manipulate me to serve their own agenda at my expense.
I don't think I had full BPD, but my issues leaned in that direction (Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment). My emotional dysregulation and reactivity and emotional flashbacks were completely resolved by (a) going into the pain of every trigger and letting the trauma release/resolve, which felt like hell but worked amazingly well (b) intense self-validation, which resolved the inner instability which was caused by invalidation trauma (gaslighting). I also did a fair amount of parts work to resolve inner conflicts. No relationship necessary--in fact I only really started healing when I gave up my relationship healing fantasies and decided to address my pain myself. Relationships just distract by keeping the focus external rather than internal which is necessary to heal. I think that's also why DBT works. It's not relational, it's based on emotional self-tending skills. That's what heals disorganized attachment trauma, not other people. You need a grounding in your own sense of self before other people will be anything but further destabilizing. And that sense of self arises naturally after resolving the trauma that made selfhood impossible to establish. As far as why people don't "want" to heal, it's because then they can't be rescued. To hang onto the hope of rescue, one must still need it by being broken. Also, staying broken makes you living proof that you were hurt. That is stabilizing when nobody validated the abuse. So it's a tragic form of self-validation.
Man this is good. Thanks for these thoughts and comments. Seems like these are good tips for anyone in any relationship since all us humans tend to unfairly dump emotions on those that don’t deserve it at times
I had the unfortunate experience of dating someone last year who i suspect has BPD/NPD. It was the most bizarre and horrific dating experience I ever had and at the end of it, I decided to go to therapy. It’s finally getting better for me this year and I learned so much about myself but most importantly how I can prevent something like this from ever happening to me again.
Once you become sensitized to the signs of BPD, it's easier to recognize early in the relationship. A pwBPD will often reveal, right up front, characteristics of personality disorder.
It takes extraordinary interpersonal communication skills to navigate a relationship with a pwBPD -- the kind of skills that only a few trained professional therapists are usually able to practice.
Nonetheless, a good place to start is my article on 'Boundaries vs Ultimatums' here
https://seagertp.substack.com/p/boundaries-vs-ultimatums
One of the most powerful boundaries I had to discover for myself is that I no longer stay in conversations with people who tell me what I think, feel, or want. I am the sole arbiter of my thoughts, feelings, and desires. I had to learn that anyone trying to convince me that they understand my inner world better than I understand it myself is trying to manipulate me to serve their own agenda at my expense.
Oh this I gotta read
I don't think I had full BPD, but my issues leaned in that direction (Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment). My emotional dysregulation and reactivity and emotional flashbacks were completely resolved by (a) going into the pain of every trigger and letting the trauma release/resolve, which felt like hell but worked amazingly well (b) intense self-validation, which resolved the inner instability which was caused by invalidation trauma (gaslighting). I also did a fair amount of parts work to resolve inner conflicts. No relationship necessary--in fact I only really started healing when I gave up my relationship healing fantasies and decided to address my pain myself. Relationships just distract by keeping the focus external rather than internal which is necessary to heal. I think that's also why DBT works. It's not relational, it's based on emotional self-tending skills. That's what heals disorganized attachment trauma, not other people. You need a grounding in your own sense of self before other people will be anything but further destabilizing. And that sense of self arises naturally after resolving the trauma that made selfhood impossible to establish. As far as why people don't "want" to heal, it's because then they can't be rescued. To hang onto the hope of rescue, one must still need it by being broken. Also, staying broken makes you living proof that you were hurt. That is stabilizing when nobody validated the abuse. So it's a tragic form of self-validation.
Man this is good. Thanks for these thoughts and comments. Seems like these are good tips for anyone in any relationship since all us humans tend to unfairly dump emotions on those that don’t deserve it at times
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